So after the long and rough break up. After all the tears and after all the pain. We finally met. I’ve always imagined our first meeting after the break up to be meaningful. But when we met, I felt nothing. It was mundane at best. He smiled. I smiled. But it didn’t mean anything. None of it meant anything. We talked a little bit and then he left. I can’t even remember what he said to me.
I just never thought seeing you again would make me feel nothing.
The past few days have been very rough for me. I have been through break up’s way too many times, but going through all these emotions again is never easy. I wrote this because I would have wanted to have a real conversation with you, but I suppose you don’t want that sort of drama anymore after you cut me off from everything. I just need an outlet to pour my heart out.
Our relationship was the best I had with anyone. Despite all the emotional baggage, the bitterness and my cynical thoughts about love, you taught me that I am never defined by my past relationships. Before we met, I always thought of myself as used goods. But when you told me that you wanted to be with me, you made me feel so special. As the days went by, you made me feel that you really did love me and I learned to love you more and more, unconditionally. Every time I told you that I love you, I really meant it. And when I got the same from you, I believed it. It was the best feeling I have ever had. Even though we did not agree on a lot of things, we supported each other’s dreams and goals. We made it work. And because of that you made believe that we might actually go all way.
However, on the last few months of our relationship, I have seen you change. You were always busy, uninterested and you always had an excuse for everything. What’s worse is that I did not even exist in some parts of your life anymore. Then I end up believing all those excuses and then I blame myself for everything because I feel like I fell short of being a good boyfriend to you.
But something happened inside me that made me decide that I have had enough. I needed to do something to keep this relationship going. And because of that, you said that I became a monster, a monster desperate for your time and attention. Even though I hate to admit it, but it’s true. You made me in to that kind of person. And I allowed myself to become that kind of person. I tried my best to make it work, but I realized that this relationship is never going anywhere if you continue to trample over my feelings for you again and again.
We were both at fault. And it was a dead end relationship. So I had to break up with you. It was a hard decision to make because even though the situation we had called for a break up, I still had genuine feelings for you.
Moving on is so hard when I am always reminded of you. It’s so hard to feel happy and whole when all I feel right now is this huge hole in my life that’s been unrightfully taken away. And I hate it because I miss you all the time even though I try so hard to forget you. I begin and end my day crying my heart out because I never wanted to lose you and now I can’t do anything because you’re gone. All I ever did was love you, although sometimes a bit too much. And it hurts. That’s why my heart is broken.
But just recently, I finally decided to really move on. When I last talked to you, I felt so stupid when I told you how I still feel about you. But you just bluntly told me that you have actually moved on and that you do not want anything to do with me anymore. You even had the nerve to tell me to never talk to you again. I’m so gutted because I can’t understand how you can just instantly forget all the time we had spent together. I know trying to work out our relationship is the last thing on your mind. And I won’t force you. There’s really no point in trying when you don’t even to make this work. However, I never expected this from you.
But you know what, even though that was not the closure that I want. It was the closure that I need. I can safely say that I did everything in my power to make this work. I can even feel better about myself knowing that it was you who did not want this anymore. And I can finally move on with this because I did my best, swallowed my pride, and I never gave up without fighting for this until the very end. However, I know my feelings for you won’t go away instantly, as with the pain from the break up, but I know I’ll get over this soon.
Thank you Harris for the 23 months we had together. I could have never known that I am capable of loving someone that much if not for you. Thank you for making me go through all those emotions. Thank you for making me feel that kind of love. Thank you so much for everything.
Even though I still love you, even though I still had plans for us, and even though it breaks my heart, I’m letting you go.